Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140628-1721a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Cardiff with Mr. Chris C__.

This is Rhod Gilbert live on BBC Radio Wales. The new jingle this morning already coined is "BBC Wales, all the stations are rubbish / you may as well keep it here / and the music's better than some. That is the new, uh, catch / some kind of little, uh, / nobody / that's what we'll do / p__ng / The music's better than some. / p__ng / I'll tell you what we're gonna do / is ... I'm feeling out of it, Right? / Yeah. / I told you at the start of this show, I'm feeling very out of it. I've been up in the hills of Wales, / huh, / very remote location, / yeah, / for a few days, chilling out, just me and sheep and stuff, and the wife, / Yeah, / my dog __ __ sheep. That's nice, isn't it? / Ah, she's quite, sort of, you know, frilly, isn't she? / quite wooly / she is quite wooly / she does look a bit like a sheep but that doesn't mean / necessarily get on / True. / my dog, uh, saw this sheep / my dog / the sheep clearly thought, "Oh, ya__, here we go. / seen this before hundred of times / here we go / we're gonna get bothered. / Nothing. My dog started to pull towards the sheep, wagging its tail, the sheep came over to my dog, / Yeah? / this is a moment of ... I wish / I should have captured this / YouTube. This could / make me famous. / you are already famous / this could ... this could notch me up to the __est celebrity, / Wow. / Exactly, from a q__. Um ... she ... they ... I swear, my dog and the sheep, or lamb, touched noses, / Yeah? / look at ... the producers / shaking their head. Yes she did. Yes they did. Yes they did, and if I had videoed it, you would be watching this on YouTube right now, sheep-and-dog kiss thriller. / Shocker. / not thriller / Shocker. / I don't know. But ... make up __ own headline / YouTube non-clip. But this non-clip of the week. ... Can we have non-clip of the week? I know, sometimes on Radio 2, when I stand on Radio / like / viral clip / say "Look, here's / viral clip / of the week, listeners. Check this out / we could do the same / nobody looks __ anyway. Who cares? Imagine a dog ... imagine a dog rubbing ... this is what __ __ to do before the days of the internet. / before YouTube came along, you'd just have to / on the street / "Hey, everyone, imagine a dog kissing a sheep." That's it / this is the life before YouTube. ... Hey, everyone, imagine a panda sneezing, and then little one sneezes and __ mother goes "Ahgggggghhh!" / go and tell a person / go and tell / I haven't got time / busy / came out for a fag / shout it out in your office / this is what it used to be like, mate, / yeah, / before the days of YouTube. ... Anyway, / it was much better / in your imagination / __ __ __ describe panda sneezing / my dog ... my dog ... my dog ... imagine a kid biting another kid's finger, over and over ... how many times ... how many times will you replay that memory in your head now I have told you? / Yeah, loads, __ __ / How many friends / share / Well, all of them / in the pub / yeah / And it goes like this, "Charlie ... / Yeah. / kid / finger" / the other kid / get off, Charlie" or something like that. / that really hurts, Charlie" / You've ... how many times have you watched the clip? / Almost constantly. / You loser.

Hello, Rhod. Long-time podcast listener. But because your show is at 3 a.m. here," really? This is from Thomas in Olympia, W__ state, U.S.A. / Awsome. / We do have a lot of ... / Foreigners. / Foreigners. / this is like / worst nightmare / the show, isn't it? / Coming over here, listening to our broadcast ... / Coming over here with their ears, stealing our radio waves ... Some / go / local people's ears / That's right. That's where the money should be spent. / I do apologize, local listeners, some of what you're listening to has been stolen essentially by foreign ears. / Yeah. / listening / they should make all the foreigners have ear-plugs / __ __ on / "I'm travelling to Wales in August," says / Thomas in Olimpia / Washington / U.S.A. / travelling to Wales in August / I'm wondering / have any suggestions / where to go / or what to do. I'll be staying in C__." Um ... / Ah, go to H__ / go to H__ / go to C__ / unbelievable / that's a great name, innit? / Innit? G__ of G__. Uh ... "Aloha," Huh, __ __ exotic, I think. "Aloha, R__ and C__ / It's a bit past / here in S__. / See? Again. / Wow. / finally managed to listen to the show live. Great choice / opening song / national / I just wanted to say that, I always love your show, but I don't miss Chimp Quiz." / Don't miss it? / Yes. / statements like that __ __ make me want resurrect Chimp Quiz. / Yeah. / doesn't / a lot of people writing in, saying "Thank god, Chimp Quiz is gone. / I hate Chimp Quiz. Down with Chimp Quiz / Really? / been / it was on, 'cause all we heard was / positive vibes when we were doing Chimp Quiz / mad for it. / special love of potato / maybe / the subject of the quiz some day." I'll tell you ... somebody wrote in as well. / fact / newspaper's gone / quiz / jacket quiz / just one fact, so ... / start of a quiz / start of a quiz / Where is it? Where is ... potato ... fact? / I don't know. Can't you remember what the fact was? / Yeah. this was ... / need to find the newspaper / article in the M__ / places to go / there was some / not a potato park / potato theme park in __, I think. / a massive potato there / there have to be / massive potato theme park / no massive potato / climax / it would / I've got a feeling, that was the only thing / a massive potato, but / people / this is why / wasn't a real one. It was a pretend one / size of / a bus / potato of size of a bus / Mate, luckily I'm in control of the music today. / Yeah, play a track. / never let you or anyone start talking / potato / that was like ... that was like the worst episode / j__ a minute / of all time.

Morning, Rhod and C__." Uh, this is, like, uh, this is / we / on this program / we love a __ on this / we're house-sitting this weekend." doesn't say "for who" / weekend / they ..." / people __ the house / presumably / Presumably. / they've told us "Help yourself to anything." / in inverted commas / left." / who they are, though? / kind of important. "But they've / wine out on the side / Does this suggest / not to drink the other wine in the cupboard?" ... or the in-the-cupboard wine / call / right then. / So, you are house-sitting / yeah / you are house-sitting / somebody / they say / and then this wine out on the side / clearly left for them / as a nice gesture, you'd assume. / You'd assume. / But / by the time you ... / cupboard, it says / cupboard with wine in. / Yeah / The thing is, / drank the wine / much harder / make that decision / leave / cupboard / tell you I would do / honest. / Yeah. / first of all, it depends on whose house it is. / Very good point. If it is a close relative, / Drink it. / T__ in. / Cose friend? / T__ in. / Friend? / T__ in. / Somebody / advertised / in the paper in desparate need of a house-sitter / and you came along / step in ... that / happen. / who does that / desparately / only / ask / once / This seems to be all heading in the same direction at the moment. / Looks like "Tuck in". / I would say, without question, drink it, unless ... unless it's a __ __ / unless it looks like / you couldn't replace, 'cause, what you're gonna need to say is / wine / I'm afraid, one thing led to another ... / Yeah, ... and I'm pregnant / What? / pregnant that quickly, I suppose / No. That's true. Sorry I / you drink the wine ... I would ... you'd have to leave a note. You'd have to / text, phone, email ... / tweet the show / you'd have to say / thanks very much / replace / that's what you are saying, isn't it? / I wouldn't even ask / have to go "No" / yeah, yeah, that's true / say ... this is what I'd do / this is what I would do. I would say / I'm sorry / drank / one thing led to another, and we did / your cupboard. But we will replace it / they / insist / you don't have to. / everyone wins / no intention of replacing it but you do say "We'll replace it." That's what you do. / also / bring socks. Is it acceptable to steal a pair / wear them definitely. / Definitely wear them / leave a note / socks / one thing led to another. / put all / underwear on / drank / one thing led to another

quite interesting / house-sitting / how far you can go? / what is acceptable? What's not? And ... I don't know ... I ... __ __ people should write in to tell us / Yeah. / what / a little bit when / house-sitting, or baby-sitting, / yeah, / or something. / around / borrow the car? / you know / one end / I suppose / listening to the CDs, records / fine / Fine. / Fine. / Reading their books? Fine. / Fine. / Trying on their clothes ... / Fine. / Clothes ... really? / well, you know, as long as you don't spoil / as long as / wreck / play rugby in them. / I'm not sure about / take "Fine" back. / Probably OK ... as long as you / just / I say borderline / very borderline, depending on the garment, / And the person, obviously, and ... yeah. / And the per(son) ... / like, if you / your grandmother / yeah / and she comes back / early / girdle and a little p__ c__ / fine, is it? / well, I don't think she'd mind. / she wouldn't mind / granny wouldn't mind / are they always / always got it / super-gran / that's a really good Scottish granny / super-gran / wouldn't have wasted time / out of the window. / good / Uh ... so, you think that's fine / take "Fine" back. I think it's probably fine, depending on ... / probably fine? / ... what it is and who it is. / fine / quite nice shoes my very good friend has got, and we share the same size. Why not try them on? / go / if you're / grandmother / fancy / look of a hair-net / possibly have a go / shower / little shower-cap / try it on / happy days / but don't go into / bedroom / all that stuff __ __ parade around in a little pair of __ shoes. Unacceptable.

So, features on the go today / Mr. C__ and me / at the moment / house-sitting feature. Uh ... / house-sitting feature / look at this / some interesting ones already / told / help / common / common feature / all the emails and tweets and stuff / get / language / isn't it? / people / help yourself to anything / if you say "Help yourself to anything" / they're asking for trouble / new phrase / new phrase that is welcoming, warm, generous, yet quite clearly not help yourself to anything / help yourself to whatever you think is reasonable / use your judgement. Use your judgement, house-sitter." / friendly / mobilizing them for war. / "Respect my boundary" ... No. / Don't eat too much. ... Enjoy yourself, but don't eat too much. / terrible / underwear / open to abuse. / Oh yeah. Uh ... "Relax. Make yourself at home." / See? That's the problem / fatal. / Yeah, but / much food, then they should eat / used to. / that's a good one / long, innit? / make yourself at home / boundaries of what / yeah / unless they over-eat / trouble / trouble / we just need a little phrase that the house-sittee / give / as they leave. ... "Don't abuse my trust." What about that? / that's good. / Yeah? "Don't abuse my trust / not / friendly / listening all the way from New Z__ here / says J__, "I / house / bookshelf, looking for something to read / OK / so far, fine. / more like what we're looking for. / Huh huh. / pulled out a book and flicked throught it. / turned out to be her diary. / Uh uh. / shaking their heads / in the production room / you're house-sittiing, / yeah, / you ... would you read the person's diary? / no, you couldn't possibly / ok / can I translate ... can I translate what you've just said? / Sure. / "Yes, definitely." But you are not prepared to admit it on / radio / no / of course not. / again / yes / definitely / I'm not prepared to ... / would / I know you. / like a shot / deny it. / I would definitely read the diary / would you? / make entries, fake entries in it. ... I would read it, and photocopy it for future use. / turned out to be her diary / house-sitting / boss / boss's diary / full of complaints and mourning / read a couple of pages until my conscience forced me to put it down. / Yeah. / I / too far / otherwise __ __ go nuts / is reading a diary pushing it too far? You would read somebody's diary / of course you would. / I don't think you could. / You would. / you couldn't / You could. / __ __ radio. / tell you waht / proper table tennis ... proper table tennis __ __ I'll serve. ... You would / you / I don't think / you / couldn't get to that. / ... My serve.

Hi, Rhod and C__ / non-clip of the week / feature today?" I think it is. / earlier / Welsh mountains / wife / for a walk / oh no, and then the dog / sheep came over / a little moment / little cuddle / g__, in the heather, and then off went the lamb / moment / videoed that / put it on the internet / viral / dog-lamb kiss, stuck on there, waiting for / millions of people to comment underneath / horrific t__ of / abuse / tends / within / anything / it is an argument / horrific argument on the internet / little clip, you see / I didn't video it / go back to pre-internet days / just describe / to you / Hey, C__, / dog and a lamb, getting on well, and / they might tell people / so, this person's written in, C__ from / I think it is / tell us what you didn't video but would have been / non-clip of the week / my dog, H__ / this / his lips stuck over his teeth / so / giving a toothy grin, and then he sneezed before I could get my camera / almost certainly / become viral if I had taken a picture / See, let us know, let us know / should / great / good example, that / Very good. / good example / be / imagine that a dog / go and tell someone else. / Look at that / you've got to hear it / audio clip / dog / stuck over his teeth / watch it again / huh? / do you wanna hear it again? / dog / stuck / his teeth / the comments underneath. / Hang on / oh dear / Oh god.

we / new phrase, when you left somebody / or something / phrase "Help yourself to anything" seems to / problems. / people / house-sitting. We / back later / make / people help themselves / far too much. And / get / mean / looking for a new phrase / Difficult. / Help yourself to, uh ... don't help yourself to anything / don't / anything / j__ scale of ... nuh, / rubbish. You can't say that / difficulty, this. / "Be j__." how about that? / but that doesn't mean anything / It does. / use your common sense. / use your common / what is fair game and what is not. / welcoming though, is it? That's not / favour. / it's just too much / brackets / make yourself at home / but this is not your home." / Yeah ... / how about that? / it's not very friendly. / It's not ... / no / I don't think you can, either / warm and friendly and generous, yet threatening / either / no bourndaries / "Help yourself / help yourself / when I return, I expect dinner and drinks to be ready / I'm not sure / Garry / "Hi Rhod, what about / worth less than 5 pounds." says / the trick, but / yeah yeah / you can get / so far / see / this all goes back to J__ uh, __ in S__ who have forgotten to / owner's socks / I think that's all right. I think that's all right / stop / innit / hat / unbrella's fine / Hat's fine / I would positively encourage you to use / take those home / I've got a new feature / __ / keen to do it / you know insurance stuff? / Yes. / It, kind of, is, in a way, sort of, / house-sitting thing. / OK. / I found this on the floor just now / basically / people have made / insurance companies / Oh yeah / and I thought / play a feature called / yes-or-no- / spot / brilliant / love it / love it / underwriter ... that's what it is / yes or no insurance / yes or no ... yeah. Yeah. You know / in the past / prime minister / sometimes / very difficult / very very difficult. Embarrassing. / yes or no / FA, I would say, things like, you know / do you think / should be banned / yes / 100%. / much easier than / that's not the game / Yeah. / today's Yes Or No on the spot insurance underwriter / I love the sound of this

Now then, Yes-or-No-on-the-spot / here we go / jingle / no, right, no. / you haven't got / insurance theme jingle? / spot / underwriter / your first insurance case / Hang on. What / decide / pay out / or not / simple game / underwriter / Yes or no. That's it / looking for / all with this. Go. / woman from / locked a badger in her shed ... / Yeah? / ... which then managed / hole in the wall / yes, definitely. / needs more explanation / doesn't it? / Why? / I don't know. I / I can't / lose my own game / underwriter / you can get the decision / then discuss it / yes / all right / one thing / own rules __ __ __ __ __ ... after seeing a dog on the TV screen, / Yeah? / a dog / yeah / decided to jump into the screen / after the dog in the screen / TV / do you pay out? / precident / we pay out, yes. Yes, we do. / You are the most generous insurance underwriter on the planet / normally / I'm being / everyone assumes exist / when they / insurance claim / yeah / mistake / making, my friend. / everybody makes / to assume that insurance / underwrite your insurance / I think people should assume that / bar / back / back to the game / yes or no on the spot / Sure, sure. / a grandfather in G__ / pay out, whatever it is. / OK. / Yeah. / next one. ... "He throws his dog through / TV screen / fine / if / sustained any injuries / and, sue the dog, in fact. / Yeah, absolutely. / for the cost of the TV / no problem at all / a grandfather / held his baby grandson up, / yes, pay out. / to show him off over Skype. / yeah / the baby throws up on the laptop / causing / high up in the air / causing 437 worth of damage / baby / vomits / pay up? / Absolutely. 100%. / you just pay up on everything / supposed to do. / what about / old puppy / dragged / sofa, causing 950 / worth of damage / yeah / yeah / grandad's laptop. Drying it with a hair-dryer / melts the keys, causing / still / Yeah, definitely. / dry it out. That's a man showing / help me out / failed, terribly, but I / pay out / Wind blew / straight off his face / immediately run over by a passing car / pay out and sue the wind. Definitely / unbelievable / why don't you / current / absolutely / supposed to be done.

Morning, boys. I know / severly damage my losership / look at this / master of phermacy. / Ah / isn't that a nice little moment / most / biggest loser of a listener who / now, uh, chemist. / not a loser any more / now he can't be a loser. / ... Yeah, he can, / radio / this is good. Now / on the subject of house-sitting / get / how do you leave the house, 'cause / help yourself to anything / how about ... put a sticker on everything / happy / sticker on / that would work / would work / but it's a little bit / milk / fridge, isn't it? / yeah / best so far / quite friendly / especially / smiley face and stuff / maybe you could / red ones / things / danger / that's probably the easiest thing, / expensive / you know / sentimental value / would you / no / I wouldn't stick / No? / No. I don't think anyone / help yourself / good. I / some of / ornament looks nice / Yeah. ... "Hi, Rhod and C__. I'm listening live today, so / share / non-clip of the week / not recorded something / about / gonna make it a viral without mouse / listening / I regret that I did not film my cat / viral / I did not film / jumping / across a fish pond / realized, halfway / he wasn't gonna make it / embarrassed / had to swim to shore. / I think / does sound / did he stop / mid-air / his legs / halfway across / have a camera / little legs / looked down / left his eyes up there / well / afterwards / that would go viral / that would go viral / better than panda sneezing / literally / embarrassed, he had to / backpacking ... I'm backpacking / I can't ... / backpacing in J__, Alaska / if / I've said this many times / why are you listening to Radio Wales / backpacking / it's 2:30 in the morning. "This is top / this is top / says R__ / isn't / out-loser Hugh. / that's amazing / Rhod Gilbert on Radio Wales / oh my god. / says / she is a Chimp Quiz fan / Wow. / that says all, Rach__l, doesn't it? / have / across / keep / throughout the day while you / keep it here, don't go away. Wherever you __ don't look at the scenery.

If you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole thing? / bbc / 11 till 1.